Imagine this. It’s a Sunday night and the Grumpy Professor(GP) is up late researching material in his/her personal library. It’s almost 1 a.m. and the GP is working on finding a better way to explain ____ and drafting notes for the next day’s lecture. The GP does this a lot, but lately it’s been having a negative impact on his/her ability to keep up with current tweed jacket trends. Are elbow patches still copasetic?

It’s been days since the GP has had time to converse with like-minded scholars. Is the secret society of Grumpy Professors – The Quill and Badger – still meeting in the entomology section of the library stacks at midnight on Thursday nights?  He/she has no idea. And what of the news that Royal will discontinue production of their typewriter ribbon? The GP is sure that somewhere in Adrian less dedicated professors are sipping scotch and discussing these very matters. But the GP has work to do.

As much as the GP enjoys his/her luxurious two-bedroom ranch with disposal and dishwasher, he/she chose the teaching profession out of a desire to better the lives of his/her students. And so the GP works on. By 2 a.m. the GP is finished with the next day’s lecture, including a short power point presentation that will help his/her visual learners better grasp the concept of ____. The GP has also crafted several discussion questions that should result in a lively exchange of ideas.

At 7:30 a.m., after a breakfast of black coffee and dry melba toast, the GP arrives at his/her office to check email and gather books for an 8 a.m. class. Amongst the various advertisements for smoking cessation programs and discount slacks is an email from a student with the unfortunate name of Plumbeus. The email, which lacks a subject heading, reads:

  Dear Professor _____,

 I can’t be in class today because I am not in Michigan. My stomach is also not  feeling well, but the bigger problem is that I’m not in Michigan. Are we doing  anything important today? If so, can you email it to me?

            Thanks for understanding.

            Plumbeaus

The GP is stunned. There are so few errors in this email. The student does not say “b n class”. He/she says, “be in class”. And there’s a salutation! With the exception of the missing subject header, this email is one of the finest the GP has seen in weeks. It is only after the GP has high-fived the air three times that he/she realizes the sad truth Plumbeaus reveals in his/her question.

The GP responds:

Plumbeaus,

 I appreciate your predicament. Thank you for your thoughtful email. I  sincerely hope you find your way back to Michigan and to a tall bottle of  Pepto. As for the work you have missed. No, we will be nothing of importance today, or any day for that matter. As you know, I generally wing it and today’s lecture is going to be particularly boring.

            Sincerely,

            The Grumpy Professor