REVIEW: Angelic 2 the Core

REVIEW: Angelic 2 the Core

Dear readers, have you ever seen something that left you speechless?Something that left you struggling to understand it?  Something that left you so perplexed that all you can think of in response is “Wow.”

If you haven’t, then welcome to Angelic 2 the Core.

Angelic 2 the Core is the fifth studio album by actor Corey Feldman.

It’s a double album containing Angelic Funkadelic (2 Dance) and Angelic Rockadelic (2 Rock).

And no, I’m not making these names up.

This was released in 2016, by the way.

Okay, I have too much to say, so let’s get right into this.

Right from the get go, my eyes are drawn to the atrocious album cover.

It features Feldman being dragged out of Hell by two scantily clad angels.

And it looks like it was made by a high school sophomore.

Of course, after listening to this album, I like to think that they’re actually dropping him back down into Hell for making this… thing.

From the first 5 seconds of “Ascension Millennium” I knew I was in for something special.

Right at the start, Feldman sings “ASCENCION (beat) MILLENIUM” through a vocal processor that makes him sound robotic.

He keeps that up through the entire song, all set to an instrumental accompaniment that sounds like it should be the background noise of an 80s workout tape.

As soon as the actual vocals kicked in I immediately busted out laughing because through this cacophony of noise you hear Feldman’s gremlin-like voice doing some sort of Michael Jackson impersonation.

I’m not even sure if he’s speaking actual words because it sounds like a bunch of garbled vocalizations.

I was not ready for this.

As soon as Feldman started singing on the next track “Lovin Lies” I started laughing aloud!

Feldman’s vocals are just indescribable in the worst way.

It has no rhyme or reason and it’s just so gravelly and odd and out of tune that I can’t handle it.

It sounds like he’s just making vowel sounds without actually saying anything, and the instruments are so uncomplimentary to his “singing” that it’s torturous.

In the next song, the title track, it starts off with what I assume is a skit that parodies Charlie’s Angels and there was no apparent quality control because Feldman asks the angels how they slept, and he says “Wonderful” before they even answer him back.

It doesn’t even flow like a normal conversation, he just talks over them!

And this is only in the first three tracks of a 22-track double album.

God, help me.

I wish I could play sound clips from these “songs” to show you just exactly what kind of monster I am up against because they really are indescribable.

These songs flow together like a horse-drawn buggy on a cobblestone highway.

Ideas are tossed in and out without any rhyme or reason, and the vocals and instruments are all over the place.

One song will be an attempt at a pop song and then you’ll be thrown into a hip-hop song with Feldman grumbling indecipherably into your ear.

In some of these songs there’s just so much noise.

For instance, in “Lickety Splickety” (I don’t think Feldman knows that the saying is “lickety-split”) you have Feldman screaming “LICKETY SPLICKETY” into your ears what feels like every. Other. Second.

And this is all on top of the vocals from the guest feature and all of the instruments.

It’s emotionally exhausting to listen to.

It’s sensory overload.

There’s so much going on that it throws a wrench into the gears of your brain and breaks you down as a human being.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say he sat in his studio and thought to himself:

“How can I make this song the most obnoxious song to have ever been recorded in the course of human history?”

Honestly, I’d swear he thought that about every single “song” on this album.

And I still have part two to get through.

The second disc (which Feldman felt necessary to tell you that there is indeed a second disc of audible insanity to listen to) isn’t better.

As soon as “Seamless” starts, you’re treated to Feldman’s gremlin-like nightmare-inducing vocalizations infiltrating your brain.

The second disc is just more of the same.

Although, special mention goes to the song “We Wanted Change.”

The mixing on this track is god awful.

The drums are so tinny, it sounds like they’re being played on a toy drum set.

And you have Feldman attempting to mimic a jazzy lounge singer.

A terrible jazzy lounge singer.

But if that wasn’t great enough, the chorus kicks in…

And it. Is. A riot.

Dear readers, do you remember the Geico commercial where the pig obnoxiously screams “Wee” while being driven home?

Okay, now imagine if someone made that part of a song.

Feldman sings “We” somehow more obnoxiously than that pig.

It’s so obvious that his voice can’t quite hit the high notes, it’s a vocal form of nails on a chalkboard.

But it’s so unbelievably horrible that it’s beautiful.

I’ve seen many comments comparing Feldman to Tommy Wiseau, saying that Angelic 2 the Core is The Room of music, and that Feldman is music’s answer to Wiseau.

I am inclined to agree.

Angelic 2 the Core redefines music.

But this is not a compliment, no, it redefines the bottom of the barrel.

It redefines what exactly qualifies as music.

Is this music? Is this noise? I still don’t know the answer. Whatever it is, it’s certainly god-awful.

At the end of the day, Feldman created something he is stubbornly proud of, and wholeheartedly believes in.

I can’t fault him for that.

Honestly, it truly takes some form of talent to make something this bad.

Anyone can make an average and forgettable album, but to make something like this, I don’t know, it takes something.

This album is not only bad, it’s mind-bogglingly, outrageously bad.

This album is not a car crash, it’s a 50 car pileup that leaves you scratching your head wondering exactly how this happened.

It’s an insult to humanity.

A crime against nature.

It’s an absolute riot to listen to.

Feldman is either truly, blissfully unaware of how inept he is as a musician, or he’s a genius playing the biggest prank on the music world.

I always try to find some sort of positives in what I review, but honestly, the only good that comes from this album is how much you can laugh at it, how much delight you can take from its awfulness.

Any potential good that’s there is asphyxiated mercilessly by the bad.

If anything, the album can at least act as a stress-reliever, because why take life so seriously when something like this merely exists?

As with the nature of anything “so bad it’s good,” I feel I need to give two ratings.

An objective one, and an enjoyment one.

Objective Rating: E

Enjoyment Rating: B

I do feel a tinge of guilt giving this bad boy an “E,” but I can’t justifiably give it anything higher, because looking at it from a musical standpoint, it’s terrible on every level.

Feldman’s process for making a song is to just toss in everything under the sun without any discernible reason.

To recommend this album to anyone would be immoral, but if you are so inclined, dear reader, to seek this out and experience the absolute oddity that is Angelic 2 the Core, I cannot stop you.

I would recommend, however, complete and utter silence.

After listening to this, there was no sweeter sound that met my ears than that of dead nothingness.